Saying Goodbye

 My mom passed away today.  We still don't know how or why.  It will always be in the back of my head, and I will continue to wonder how we got here.  My mom had many ailments, such as an enlarged heart, neuropathy, breathing issues, asthma, anxiety, chronic bronchitis, and the list goes on.  She has had one heart attack and pneumonia a multitude of times.  As she aged it was like the hospital was her second home.  She had been a trooper through all of it and I was proud of her for being so strong and fighting through whatever challenges she faced.  

She lived with us for about five and a half years.  This came after her heart attack and double pneumonia that she had when my grandmother passed away in December of 2016.  They put her in a medically induced coma to heal her lungs.  This was the start of many trips to the hospital over the coming years.  

Fast forward to March of 2022 and we were all in agreement that our mom needed to go to a place where she could be with her peers and be monitored better.  Aaron and I weren't nurses or doctors and didn't have the medical training to care for her the way she needed.  We knew this time would come eventually.  She was falling out of her wheelchair and having panic attacks on a regular basis that would lead to her having breathing difficulties.  Some days it was terrifying.  When she would fall to the floor, Aaron was the only one who could get her up.  Well, guess what?  Aaron worked a lot, which left me.  Landon helped me one time and we couldn't get synced quite right to get her up without hurting her.  It's so much better with just one person and he did an amazing job getting her up.  

She went to Assisted Living for several months.  She seemed to really like it there with the exception of a couple of staff members.  Because she was declining and falling out of her chair more and more, they were encouraging us to move her to a nursing home.  Right before that became a thing, my mom ended up in the hospital once again, and unbeknownst to us, for the very last time.  The NP and a coordinator came in to speak with her and us about how important it was for her to wear her BiPAP to help get the carbon dioxide out of her body.  For some reason she kept taking it off and they wanted to make sure we were there when they spoke with her about the importance of the machine and what could happen.  I remember them trying to explain to her that if she doesn't wear it that she's not going make it.  All I heard my mom say was, "I want to live" over and over.  

As their time with us ended, the NP pulled us three out into the hallway and told us to go ahead and start making arrangements for what could be coming sooner rather than later.  I was confused.  I knew she was having difficulty with the BiPAP, but death?  I couldn't wrap my head around that at that time.  I mean, we were talking about a woman who had overcome many challenges in her life, medically and otherwise.  No way were they talking about planning our Supermom's demise.  That just couldn't be.  Well, they were and it was.  The time that every child dreads had come.  We did our research and made multiple phone calls.  The hospital helped with transitioning her to a nursing home.  I bought an urn, which made me so sick to my stomach.  We were planning, and quickly.  

The day came that she moved into a nursing home and out of Assisted Living.  We took turns visiting with our mom so she didn't get overwhelmed with us and all of the newness she was getting hit with.  They had her at the end of a very long hall - the last room.  It seemed sad to me.  She was all alone with the exception of us visitors.  We visited a few times and then the text message came - "mom has passed away".  Aaron and I were getting the boys ready to head to the nursing home for a visit when that message came in.  I felt anger and sadness.  I cried and cried and cried.  How did this happen?  What went wrong?  Well, come to find out later, my oldest sister approved for them to bring in Hospice on Thursday and Saturday she died.  I was angry because I couldn't be there.  She was alone.  I couldn't say my goodbyes.  I had no idea why she could have died because just a couple of days prior she was up laughing and talking like nothing was wrong.  I had the hardest time with it all.  

I'm going to miss her so very much.  We did everything together.  She was my daily phone call, my advice-giver, my protector, my travel buddy, my listening ear, my everything.  She was Liam's world.  It's just not fair.  One thing is for certain is that I loved that woman more than I could have ever imagined.  I felt it, and I felt it deeply.  Until we meet again....